Another link for a great blogpost on being an only

http://offbeatmama.com/2010/06/why-only-children-are-awesome

Confession!

Confession: I always thought I would have at least two kids. I even gave friends of mine a hard time when they were thinking about being one and done. Ahhh how things have changed.

Right after my son was born I was "ready" to have a second. When others would ask how motherhood was I told them it was lovely and that I couldn't wait to do it again. Most of all I missed my baby belly and wanted a second chance to have my vagianal birth. Even when Riley was getting up every 45 minutes at night from months 4-8 I wanted another one. Then when my son was 11 months my husband lost his job and I knew we couldn't try right away. My plan had been to start trying when Riley was a year but we put that off. My husband quickly found a new job but it was a contract job. 6 months later he was out of work again, it was heart breaking for me. Mostly because I had just began to feel financially secure again. Just begun to think about a 2nd child again. Thankfully he found work quickly again and now has a job that he loves despite hating his boss.

It was at the time of the second lay off that I started thinking about being one and done. There are other things we would like to do and lets face it kids are exspensive. I often wonder if in another 6 months I will feel differently. I know I might but I also know the my head feels quite resolved that we are done. I just can't tell what my heart wants yet.

Did I just say that and an Ephifany.

Today I feel like I hit a huge milestone in being one and done. I didn't even blink when asked "are you ready for another one?" at my son's first day of pre-pre-school. My response was also priceless "Hell no". In a room full of toddlers, most of which are into repeating anything said to them I said "hell no". It is only funny because none of the children said it back to me!

I was then asked about 5 more times when we would be having another. I love the gall of people to ask when not if. As if everyone who wants a second (or for that sake a first) can just have one. Ahhh how I admire those who think unprotected sex = live baby, man I wish I lived in that world! But it doesn't work that way for so many people I know. It is sad but true.

Thankfully at this point I could have a second if we wanted. Don't get me wrong it would likely cost us a few thousand to get pregnant again, but we could come up with that money again and hopefully with in a few cycles the treatment would work and we would have a 2nd child. But as you know I don't want that, or at least I don't think I do.

And today I was able to clearly express why:

First of all Riley has fulfilled all my wants about motherhood and I don't feel I am missing anything by being one and done.

Secondly I don't buy into the whole kids need a sibling to be well rounded debate. There are many studies showing only kids thrive more than 2nd or third children. Plus I can give my son more if we are one and done, more money into his college fund, more vacations, more sports outside of school, more socialization such as playgroups.

Third I don't know that I would be a good mother to more than one child. Motherhood has been HARD for me. I don't know that I could be a good mother to another child and I don't know if I want to lose myself like I did when Riley was an infant.

Part 3 is what I still struggle with. And there are days that little feet, baby smell and infant cuddles sound very appealing, but those days are getting further and further apart, not closer together.

Who gets my jewelry?

This seems like the silliest thing but it has been on my mind. When I die who do I give my jewelry to? What if I don't have a grand-daughter by then? Does my furture daughter in law get it? What about if I don't like her?

Silly for sure but it has been on my mind.

What I hate!

I hate it when I try to talk to my mom or a friend about being one and done and they say something like "no one would blame you for it. It isn't like Riley has been the easiest child." It makes my blood boil.

Of course I recognize that one of the reasons I am thinking about being one and done is that motherhood has been challenging, Riley is demanding, and stubborn but he is also sweet, kind, loving. He loves kisses, hugs and blowing raspberries. He loves animals! I am a lucky mother and I hate that anyone would think I am not. Riley saved me in a way I don't think anyone else could. I am not sure how much longer I would have struggled to get pregnant without loosing my mind.

So do me a favor, don't say this to the mothers and fathers of those who are one and done! It is upsetting and rude.

Babies Everywhere

Just when I think I am sure about my choice to not have another child, I see babies and bellies everywhere and my belly hurts. Today we saw a four day old, a three week old a four week old and an 8 week old on top of bunch of other little bitties and big round bellies. It was too much. It made me what to be pregnant again, and give birth, to nurse and hold a newborn. ((((sigh))))

Private Education and College!

I have my background in Child Development with emphasis on Public Policy and Resarch, which means I have spent many many hours looking at policies such as No Child Left Behind (NCLB). NCLB is the most devestating policy our public education system has ever seen, on par with the segregation of schools. How can that be, well without going into to much depth NCLB will end with the privatization of education. Schools in poor districts will never be able to meet all the goals of NCLB, because it is imposable to have a 100% average, which is what NCLB will eventually ask of our schools. NCLB also means teachers have stoped encouraging learning, and growth for test readyness. What all of this amounts to is that we are facing a generation of children who will not only have a shorter life exspectancy but will aslo be stupider than thier parents. That simply isn't acceptable for my child!

So it is with a heavy heart that we started considering private education, or moving (we currently live in a working middle class area) to a much higher income area. Both of these would be a huge finachial burden on our family. I am currently a SAHM and either of these would mean we would need two incomes and even then we are doubtful we could make moving work. It would be doable if we continued to rent for the rest of our life but both of us would love to be home owners one day as well. As always there just isn't enough money to do all the things we want and dreamed of. Tack on 4 (maybe 5) years at college for a BA/BS and we are talking about lots of money going to education! Now times it by 2 and we would be drownding in debt and working till we were 100. That just isn't the kind of life we want to live or the kind of life we want to provide for our children.

It is just one more reason to think about being one and done.