Who gets my jewelry?

This seems like the silliest thing but it has been on my mind. When I die who do I give my jewelry to? What if I don't have a grand-daughter by then? Does my furture daughter in law get it? What about if I don't like her?

Silly for sure but it has been on my mind.

What I hate!

I hate it when I try to talk to my mom or a friend about being one and done and they say something like "no one would blame you for it. It isn't like Riley has been the easiest child." It makes my blood boil.

Of course I recognize that one of the reasons I am thinking about being one and done is that motherhood has been challenging, Riley is demanding, and stubborn but he is also sweet, kind, loving. He loves kisses, hugs and blowing raspberries. He loves animals! I am a lucky mother and I hate that anyone would think I am not. Riley saved me in a way I don't think anyone else could. I am not sure how much longer I would have struggled to get pregnant without loosing my mind.

So do me a favor, don't say this to the mothers and fathers of those who are one and done! It is upsetting and rude.

Babies Everywhere

Just when I think I am sure about my choice to not have another child, I see babies and bellies everywhere and my belly hurts. Today we saw a four day old, a three week old a four week old and an 8 week old on top of bunch of other little bitties and big round bellies. It was too much. It made me what to be pregnant again, and give birth, to nurse and hold a newborn. ((((sigh))))

Private Education and College!

I have my background in Child Development with emphasis on Public Policy and Resarch, which means I have spent many many hours looking at policies such as No Child Left Behind (NCLB). NCLB is the most devestating policy our public education system has ever seen, on par with the segregation of schools. How can that be, well without going into to much depth NCLB will end with the privatization of education. Schools in poor districts will never be able to meet all the goals of NCLB, because it is imposable to have a 100% average, which is what NCLB will eventually ask of our schools. NCLB also means teachers have stoped encouraging learning, and growth for test readyness. What all of this amounts to is that we are facing a generation of children who will not only have a shorter life exspectancy but will aslo be stupider than thier parents. That simply isn't acceptable for my child!

So it is with a heavy heart that we started considering private education, or moving (we currently live in a working middle class area) to a much higher income area. Both of these would be a huge finachial burden on our family. I am currently a SAHM and either of these would mean we would need two incomes and even then we are doubtful we could make moving work. It would be doable if we continued to rent for the rest of our life but both of us would love to be home owners one day as well. As always there just isn't enough money to do all the things we want and dreamed of. Tack on 4 (maybe 5) years at college for a BA/BS and we are talking about lots of money going to education! Now times it by 2 and we would be drownding in debt and working till we were 100. That just isn't the kind of life we want to live or the kind of life we want to provide for our children.

It is just one more reason to think about being one and done.

PPA and PPD

My risk for PPD was high while pg, high enough I was referred to a therapist for counseling in the 2nd tri just to prepare me for what PPD would be like. While the therapy was helpful nothing prepared for what it would really be like to bring a baby home and be completely overwhelmed with anxiety.

We laugh about it now but my husband and I brought home our son and I sat on the couch and cried. I was exhausted and hadn't slept more than 2 hours at a time in 5 days but wouldn't sleep because I felt that no one could keep my son safe but me. I thought if I slept he would stop breathing and didn't trust my husband enough to sit and watch him breath with the vidjalism that I would. It was my job and only MY job to keep him breathing. Somehow we made it through that first night, and I slept in 2-3 hour stretches with my son in the bassinet next to me.

I went on meds (Zoloft) and while the depression never got bad, no matter what the dose my anxiety was there, creeping up on me when I least expect it. Even now with a 20 month old I still have nights where I think he will die in his sleep. Last night I woke near 1 am in a panic sure that someone had snuck into our locked house and stole him. I went into the nursery sure the crib would be empty, thankfully my son was there. But was he breathing? I couldn't tell! I woke my husband who even before he went into the nursery assured me our son would be fine, he is used to this happening. He went in saw that he was breathing and told me so. Most nights this is fine for me but last night it wasn't. I spent the next five minutes in bed trying to calm down and believe my husband, but in the end had to sneak into his room and see for myself. Once I did I quickly went back to sleep.

There is no telling when the anxiety will, if ever, go away, and even if it does or if I find a med it responds to what happens when/if I get pregnant again. How could I take care of a 2 yr old and myself plus a new baby going through all that again? I just don't think I could.