PPA and PPD

My risk for PPD was high while pg, high enough I was referred to a therapist for counseling in the 2nd tri just to prepare me for what PPD would be like. While the therapy was helpful nothing prepared for what it would really be like to bring a baby home and be completely overwhelmed with anxiety.

We laugh about it now but my husband and I brought home our son and I sat on the couch and cried. I was exhausted and hadn't slept more than 2 hours at a time in 5 days but wouldn't sleep because I felt that no one could keep my son safe but me. I thought if I slept he would stop breathing and didn't trust my husband enough to sit and watch him breath with the vidjalism that I would. It was my job and only MY job to keep him breathing. Somehow we made it through that first night, and I slept in 2-3 hour stretches with my son in the bassinet next to me.

I went on meds (Zoloft) and while the depression never got bad, no matter what the dose my anxiety was there, creeping up on me when I least expect it. Even now with a 20 month old I still have nights where I think he will die in his sleep. Last night I woke near 1 am in a panic sure that someone had snuck into our locked house and stole him. I went into the nursery sure the crib would be empty, thankfully my son was there. But was he breathing? I couldn't tell! I woke my husband who even before he went into the nursery assured me our son would be fine, he is used to this happening. He went in saw that he was breathing and told me so. Most nights this is fine for me but last night it wasn't. I spent the next five minutes in bed trying to calm down and believe my husband, but in the end had to sneak into his room and see for myself. Once I did I quickly went back to sleep.

There is no telling when the anxiety will, if ever, go away, and even if it does or if I find a med it responds to what happens when/if I get pregnant again. How could I take care of a 2 yr old and myself plus a new baby going through all that again? I just don't think I could.